Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
