my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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