would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
