just come out here and I will go home with you...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
