i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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