I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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