I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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