my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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