He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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