my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
