Duck Duck Cougar?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
