Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
