Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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