I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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