No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
