You just made me feel so damn special
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
