there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
