Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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