At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
