Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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