i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
