I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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