So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
