The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I need to align my fucking chakras
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