Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
