I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
