I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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