I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
