Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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