Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I need a beard to bite.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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