I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize