Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
