He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
