hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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