So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize