I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Is it penis luge time yet?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
