I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
