BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
