i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
