I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize