all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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