Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
