I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
