You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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