she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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