after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
