My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
