There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
