I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
