Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
