Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
