Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
