We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
