Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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