stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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