I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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