I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
