Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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