My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
