Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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