I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
